Monday, July 20, 2009

The Start

Here I am trying to remake my blog and myself at the same time. Well, not remake myself, but find myself. I feel like I am in a never ending fog of daily routine. I get up, take the kids where they need to go, work all day, pick up the kids, bathe, feed them and get them off to bed. After all of that it is quiet time for me and I get to sit and stare at the TV until late at night when my husband comes home. He is always in "the mood", so some nights I try to make time and get the energy up for him. Then I sleep. I wish it was a good sleep, but it isn't. I wake up a lot because I am a very light sleeper. Little noises wake me up, sometimes my kids wake me up. Sometimes I wake myself up just to go check on them. I have become so involved in worrying about my kids, that I can't enjoy myself or even have fun with the kids. I discovered that I hardly laugh any more. I use to love to read and knit and just enjoy things, but now I feel so empty inside. I don't like that feeling. This discovery of myself has lead me to finally look inside myself and try to find me again. to find Laura. I am not looking to go back, but to find something that will make me happy again.

I have decided to focus on a few different things to help me with my search. The first one is that I want to study a religion. I see lots of people that have a good strong strength because of their religion. I want that, and have wanted that for some time. I just never seemed to be able to fully commit. My husband is Muslim and I feel that a lot of my own personal beliefs follow that religion. He has talked to me about a few things, but he doesn't push his religion. He believes that if I really wanted it I would learn on my own. So, this is one thing I will start.

The second focus is built around the fact that I have always dreamed that I would live in a nice house after I was married and had kids. I would be an "at home mom" and have a fun time with the kids. Well, I don't have that. We live in a large three bedroom apartment which is very run down and in need of repair. I am hoping to remodel the inside of the place and make it my own. This would be done slowly, since we don't have much spare money, but I am hoping to make it better. Now, I know you are probably saying "how can you change your apartment?" Well lucky me, my Mom owns the building and let's us live there rent free. Of course she would love for us to fix the place up, so no need to get permission. Yes, rent free is great and we should have lots of money saved up, but I don't make much at my job, just to pay the bills and buy the food. My husband has two part-time jobs that help earn the little bit of extra that we use for emergency fixes.

My last thought for today's post is what got me started in this process. Recently I saw a preview for a new movie coming out called "Julie and Julia". I almost cried when I saw it. I said "that is me!" I know what Julie is feeling. Needless to say I am really looking forward to seeing the movie. I am planning to take the day off work and go see it at a nice new theater and really treat myself. I added the movie link with a count down to the release date. I will be counting the days myself. I hope that all who might read this will check the movie out too.

My day at work is almost done (I have been working on this blog on the side) I will soon be merging myself back into the daily routine fog by leaving here and picking up the kids. I hope to be back soon and do some more searching for Laura.

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